My Pain Has Purpose

I was looking at my iPhone today and the picture on my home screen stood out and slapped me in the face. For the first time, when I looked at the picture, I SAW my life. The photo is of me on the very top of a gorgeous, massive mountain-type formation in the Badlands of South Dakota. I’m looking down from on high smiling, with the cloudy, cool skies above me. I remember being very proud of myself for climbing up there and of my sister for taking this great photo. I’ve had this picture on my home screen for months and look at it multiple times a day, but for some reason today the symbolism of this photo jumped out at me.

To understand why this picture is so symbolic I have to explain a little history of the Badlands. The gorgeous colorful layers in the formations are the end product of deposition, the process of rocks gradually building up over time and that of erosion, the process of rocks gradually wearing away. These layers of rock are stacked on top of each other like a layer cake of history with the oldest layer at the bottom moving upwards to the youngest layer. Disposition was caused by a number of natural forces such as water, wind, volcanic ash etc. Then erosion carved out the gorgeous narrow channels, canyons and rugged peaks which are so unique and breathtaking for the eyes to take in. Layers upon layers of colorful history caused by water cover, eruptions, heat, cold, life, death, wearing away and yes, time.

As I looked at this picture today, I literally saw myself standing on the history of my life, stacked one layer on top of another. And these layers were created by the floods of life where loss and hurt threatened to take me down and where eruptions of uncertainty and confusion felt like they would consume me. I saw the deposition of my life story building one layer on top of another. I saw the layer of loneliness as a child, the layer of trying to be perfect in college, the layer of struggling to make make it in LA, the layer of striving to be successful to make people proud, the layer of destructive choices made out of loneliness and pain, the layer of loss in giving up my home to gain my freedom back, the layer of being misunderstood for most of my life … As I saw all the difficult times in my life, I could clearly see how all of these layers grew me, changed me and empowered me to rise. Then I saw the erosion of my life, and it was beautiful! I saw the wearing away of the hurt, loneliness, loss, fear and anger as I climbed higher and higher. As I chose to focus up and see the larger picture of Gods grace and purpose for my life, I am able to carve out something new and build on the pain of the past, as I push higher and higher above my circumstances.

I see myself in this picture standing on top of this layered history of my life thus far, brave and confident that my God has brought me through the floods, the eruptions and the years of struggle, to a higher place. To a new place, to a new me, to hope, to maturity, to confidence, to health and most importantly, to deeper faith. Painful waters and eruptions will still come, but I take peace in knowing that every disaster creates a new layer that only takes me higher. My pain has purpose. My struggles don’t bring me down, they make me rise!